Embrace this Chaos
A year ago I was elated with thoughts of pregnancy and planning how things would be. Now i'm here. I'm a mom. Lucy is 3 months old. She is perfect for me. Beautiful. Passionate. Testing. Laughing. Amazing. I'm crazy about her. I'm just trying to figure out what i do now.
While i was pregnant it was what to do till she comes? How to make the most of my time. Now it's what do i do while she is sleeping (like right now)? I get this idea that i can do it all. That i can clean and cook and craft and be a good friend and organize events and blog and what ever else, all while she is sleeping! UM ~ NO. So ok. What DO i do? I'm exhausted right now i want to take a nap but as soon as i lay down thoughts of what i need to do just swarm my brain and i get no rest. I need to make bread. I need to make soup. Karen is coming, Emily is coming. Is Lucy still sleeping? Need to tell Brian about what Mike said. Call mom about Saturday night. Call Faith about silent auction.
My question is this: What are my priorities? How do i invite Jesus into this space? How do i do all things in His name? How do i live a life as a disciple of His? When do i meditate on scripture? When do i get solitude? How do i shut these thoughts off? so, no it's not just one question it's a zillion!
My answer: Embrace this chaos. But, is this the only way? Is the only way of getting thru this time of chaos to embrace it? how do i survive? how do i shut off my mind to rest? - I can't even do that at night!
I'm hungry for peace. I'm hungry for rest. Hungry for order and routine. Hungry for Him to fill me. Will i never have this again? What's crazy is i find myself eating all the time and i'm not really hungry for food. My body knows it's hungry, it just doesn't get how to satisfy that kind of hunger.
I'm glad i wrote this. i'm a little closer to knowing what is going on inside me. - going to take a nap, in Jesus name. I need you every hour, Precious Lord.
6 Comments:
joy--
i could have written this same post. the thing that really articulates what i have been feeling is that the whole time you are pregnant you are in anticipation and are "full" (with the baby) and you have this great purprose (just GROW that baby!!)...and now what?
i, too, am a "doer". kind of like martha in the bible. my mind never rests just like you were talking about. you KNOW you need rest...but, when you lay down to rest you can't turn your mind off.
lately i've really been focusing on galatians 5:1 (it is for freedom that Christ has set us free). i need freedom and release from the oppressive demands that i put on MYSELF! is it really necessary that i am the modern day supermom? do i NEED to finish that quilt this afternoon? do i NEED to have a 4 course meal prepared? i think what i NEED to do is cut myself some slack on the stuff that is supposed to be fun and focus on clearing my head so that Jesus has room to work.
anyway, let me know if you get it figured out. take care of yourself...and remember that it is for freedom that Christ has SET US FREE.
Hey Joy! :) I hope you read this! I just read your post...(oh, and I just found you in a round about way--explain later). I have a little one...Keegan is almost one now. I PROMISE IT GETS BETTER, and you'll figure out some tricks to get things done. Although, your house-dinner-errands will never be quite the same. :) BUT, OH HOW MUCH FUN IT IS TO BE A MOM!!! :) LOVE IT! We are coming to Lburg this summer...we would love to see you guys. Lucy is beautiful! Please contact me somehow...
863-738-4657
mandyhurtt@yahoo.com
XXOO
Amanda
PS-Please give your mom and will hugs for me.
joy -
even though i'm not a mom, and i'm not going through the same life changes that you are, i am feeling similar feelings. i'm realizing that i am often driven by what i DO. and now that i'm quitting my job, i won't have something to show for my day like that...and since i'll be home, things are already stacking up in my head of what to DO (i resonate with the 'need to bake bread' 'need to make soup' line!)...
I like waht you said, though, to embrace the chaos. i like that and it feels right to me. and when you embrace it, you are also recognizing that it won't last forever...
love you so much. thank you for this post.
Something you have to realize as a mommy is that you CAN'T do everything! You don't HAVE to make bread, you just WANT to. (Store bought won't be as good, but will work just fine.) You don't HAVE to make soup, you just want to. (See above.) I have four children, 7 and under, and I would go crazy if I thought about everything as a HAVE TO. I find the lowest level that I can accept in something (for example, storebought bread) and then if I DO find time to make bread, it seems like I did something extra! If I don't find the time, no sweat, the storebought is ok. Also try not to make your TO DO lists so long that they aren't realistic. It's always depressing when you don't finish a to do list, so make it small enough that it is easily attainable. As for finding time for reading scripture or praying, its hard. I try to say small prayers during the day, as I dress the kids, or make dinner.
Sometimes we as mommies feel like we are not doing enough, not volunteering enough, not serving Him enough. But THIS is our ministry. These kiddos, this family. THis is how we serve Him.
I have discovered along with many other moms that "super mom" does not exist. And the more I tried to do everything the more frustrated I became. Since I am now on my 4th one I take everything in stride. We have a schedule that I like to stick to but it does go out the window some days. The Lord does give us rest. His burden is light, so when I am weighed down it usually means I am not trusting him to take care of everything and I make it heavy for myself. He gives us strength for one day at a time. And his peace can come in like a flood and pass all your understanding. And then you might catch yourself wondering why you are so peaceful. We as moms have to find that right balance for us and our family and it is different for every mom. We also have to let go of things that really just dont matter to much any more. And learn to say NO to things that will cause stress. Even if it is something small and simple. I give myself mommy time every day, just to regroup. For me I have to start my day out by talking to the Lord and praying and read the bible. Just like 30 minutes. And yes that means I have to get up earlier. But my days just don't flow as smooth if i don't. He really does fill me up for that day, and then I am depleted and need it again the next morning. And if I am feeling a bit overwhelmed I tell my kiddos that mommy has put herself in "time out". And I take 10 minutes to refocus. Sometimes my house is not as clean as I would like it to be, and my dinners are not all from scratch like I would like them to be, and the laundry gets piled up sometimes. I will be praying for you. It does get easier as they get older. You are a great mom Joy.
Joy -you probably don't realize this, but I do catch up on you via blog even if we don't speak. I read your what to DO now dilemma & I am in a similar mode - w/ that being said - I just want to share some thoughts/focus that helps me:
1) Take the alone time w/ the Lord any minute you can - although I prefer solid hours -each minute you can focus solidly will be sufficient, marvelous & necessary! :)
2) w/ regards to what to DO...Focus on him & He will deliver...Proverbs 4: 11-12
I have led you on right paths. When you walk, your steps will not be hindered, and when you run, you will not stumble.
This is what is giving me faith to do what I can, focus on His word & know he will provide as I job search.
Joy - I miss you! Hope you had fun in Florida & Look forward to talking w/ you SOON! Send me an email at sraw05@verizon.net - I don't have your email address on my home account & I'm "working" out of home at the moment. I LOVE YOU! :)Say hi to little Lucy & Brian!
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