Waiting is so hard

*Warning, the following post might be kinda of a downer - i promise i in no way want to discourage you today, i'm just trying honesty on for size. If you've read my blog in the past you would have never come across one of these. here goes. You may want to plan on getting a latté when you get done. i know i am!

We went out with Jason our realtor on Saturday and looked at half a dozen houses. There was a couple of cute ones but none we were ready to commit to. We told Jason that we didn't want to look anymore. We have an email notifying us of any new listings, so we sit tight till then. I'm going crazy doing that! I just keep wanting to paint a room or rearrange. I go back and forth on does Lucy need her own room or do i need the craft room more. It's about use ablitliy. We play in there anyway and she sleeps so good in the nice dark walk-in right now i don't know if i want to mess with her sleep. Since in 6 short months we'll all be loosing sleep. Just trying to get as much as i can.

I was so discouraged when we got home Sat i felt sick, like a nervous sick when you have to have a talk with someone you hurt or something. I had this sick feeling we were never going to find the right place. Cause we are so stinking picky! Sunday was terrible too. I just feel like i have nothing to look forward to, not even the baby... cause i just keep thinking, where am i going to put him? don't get me wrong i am so excited about this baby and my nesting is kicking in but i have no where to nest! i have nested and renested this apartment till it is what it is till we leave here. I know it will work out and Jesus knows what we need but what the heck am i supposed to do in the mean time.

My dad died 4 years ago this Sunday, Feb 24th i can't believe it has been that long. This waiting for the "answer" of which house it is (cause i convince myself if i just knew where i could settle down and be creative again and wait till closing or renovations or whatever) has reminded me so much of that month of waiting for dad to die. I know that sounds terrible but the truth is my dad died way before Feb 24th. If you have ever been around someone with cancer you know that chemo kills them a little at a time. For weeks i remember just getting in to the shower and praying that today would be the day that he would go. When you have spend all day and all night taking shifts with your mom to spoon feed your dad and take him to the bathroom all you want is for it to be over and never have to do it again. While we waited, we could do nothing, but wait. Some how we survived but i couldn't even dream of what i would do when it was all over i just wanted it to be over, to go out side, to some how move on with my life with out my dad. I know i'm waiting for something wonderful this time for a baby and a house. But the feeling is so similar. I don't feel creative, energetic, excited about anything, i just go thru every day wondering what i should do today and will I have hope or not.

When i got back that year after my dad died, mid march, i changed everything! I went on a diet, i started yoga and swimming i bought new cloths i decorated my apartment. i mean EVERYTHING changed. I feel that kind of change brewing. I know having a house will renew my motivation for many things and having another child will tire that motivation out but i know everything will change again. I look forward to this. I am not the kind to resist change. i love change. i always have.

I ran across a blog today. Her name is Heather. As i am whining about not having a house, she is happy that her MRI was clear from cancer. There's a shot of perspective for you.

Brian says when he is discouraged about something the best remedy is Thanksgiving. Here is what i am thankful for right now.

- My sweet friends. After a yucky day on Sunday something urged me to go see Gaylyn that night. I felt so sick i told Brian i'd be back in 20 min as i walked out the door at 7pm. Um.. got home after 2am. Thanks for a great time Gay! i love spending time with you your coffee and stories make me feel 17 again and cheered me up so much! She even made me heart shaped brownies!!

Then Kim came by yesterday for a bit and we had a great talk. She was sharing with me what she had just learned about the Good Shepherd. I had just read a section of psalm 23 that day. no coincidence i'm sure! She said that sheep are so dumb that if they are prone to wander that the shepherd will break it's legs to teach him not to leave the flock. Then carries him till his legs are healed. So bizarre! needless to say i feel like my legs are broken right now.

- Sacred Space "By quiet waters he leads me, to revive my drooping spirit." (Psalm 23) This was part of the intro prayer. This is such a sweet site to help refocus my mind. it's short and sweet.

- Brian and i have started doing chapel a couple of nights a week using the Celtic Daily Prayer book and singing Cuirim songs, sometimes we feel like it sometimes we don't. We have a schedule so we do it when we've decided we will either way. when we get done, every time we are glad we did. We feel lighter. last night we read, Because Your loving-kindness is better than life, My lips will praise You. Psalm 63:3

there are so many more things to be thankful for like her nap right now and my sweet Brian caring so much for me i'll spend the rest of the day thinking of them. Will you join me? Kel? even tho your renovation isn't done yet - what are you thankful for?
Holli? altho you don't live in the burg right this minute- what are you thankful for? Heather altho you are freezing and hibernating in the snow- what are you thankful for? Heidi, altho your whole family is sick AGAIN - what are you thankful for?
Can, altho closing got put off another freaking week -what are you thankful for? Kim, altho long distance relationships SUCK - what are you thankful for?

i know the rest of you got some junk going on that sucks too - what are you thankful for?