Mini breakdown last night

i had a pretty rough night last night. Lucy was moving around a lot and actually hurting me with her pushing. Then i would have a contraction in between and sometimes couldn't tell if it was her or the contraction. either way it was pretty painful and i had my rice heating bag with me all night. Nothing was consistent so i was just practice labor..

My sweet brian coached me thru some relaxation and visualization (including one time we visited the castle at Cair Paravel) He is so great at helping me when i'm feeling bad. during one of these times (we were up most of the night on and off) i started to think about my dad. i haven't done that in a while. I guess in the back of my mind i really just assumed that he would come when Lucy did and he wouldn't miss her birth. It was this sick realization that labor was coming soon but dad was not going to be here for it. it was like 3am and i was emotional. i was feeling really nervous about knowing when i was in labor or not. And i just started crying - he's really not coming. i just can't believe it. Death is such a hard thing to wrap your mind around. I don't think i'll ever understand it. So i asked brian, "dad really did exist didn't he?" he was like, " you wouldn't be here if he didn't, Lucy wouldn't be here if he didn't"... i miss him so much.

This is me in the picture of course (dad is soo young!) but this is the one thing that will be missing on the day that Lucy is born - that great Bill Dooley grin.

Her room waits

much more patiently than i. I just love the way it looks. I love hanging out in there i love the colors and i can't wait for her to see it. Just thought i would post some pictures of it so you can enjoy it with me. it inspires me so much to make things i never thought of making before. It isn't extravagant or really baby like but it's simple and it's totally me. She can decorate her room the way she wants when she can tell me what she wants.. for now.. it's my room and she'll sleep and play in it :)

Here is her great dresser. I painted it, before pictures here and i just love the colors. It is stocked with every kind of cloths she could possibly need. i even lined the drawers. The basket with the flowers on it is a bag i got on our cruise trip in 2004 when mom, kim and i were in Jamaica.


Here is the green wall with with tile top table that doubles as my sewing and changing table. i love the hanging basket from Ikea. I've got every kind of diaper in there right handy for her 8 or more diapers a day...


The divider covers up the TV and this is her foam mattress Montessori bed. After she is able to roll over and no longer fits in her bassinet we will move her to her floor bed. Mary Torrence made the quilt and mom made the fleece blanket. i love them both!


Closet full of goodies. another sweet hanging basket from Ikea. This child will never be in need!



Here's the orange chair. With my knitting on it. I painted the coat rack and i just use it for all our bags, knitting and soon the diaper bag. i love it! The hat is also from our cruise trip when we were in mexico. I love that hat. It was so crazy to bring on the plane with me but i wanted it so bad. Now Lucy can enjoy it.



I can't wait for this little girl to get here. The Lord is truly teaching me patience and i have never been more ready for anything in my whole life! It kind of feels like a kid ready to go to college for the first time. New cloths, new books, not sure about his choice of major, doesn't know his roomate yet but, soo excited to get started! That's me. I'm ready to get this show on the road. I want to find out what i'm going to love and what i'm going to hate and make a way to love what i hate and keep loving what i love about being a mom to my precious Lucy.
Bring it on! I'm ready..

HE'S COMING!

I was going to post today about Lucy's room and how it is all ready for her. I may still. But this news is much more amazing and wonderful for me right now. My wonderful brother Will who is getting married to the beautiful Mandy Lamb in March has no money to come and see us when Lucy is born. What with saving up money for his wedding, honeymoon and getting some things payed off it just wasn't happening. To be honest i wasn't really thinking about it too much. But then thinking about who was going to come to the hospital stuff after she was born made me really think about how much my brother means to me. I mean it is hard enough that Dad isn't going to be here but just knowing that Will couldn't be here either is harder, he's like the only male part of dad left.. its weird if he were here it'd be like having dad here somehow.

Well mom just called about some of dad's american express points and she can get him a ticket to fly here!!! There are no black out dates either! can you believe it???? So as soon as we Lucy is born then we'll book the tickets. i am so thankful right now. Jesus is so good to me. I wanted him here so badly to see is only niece. it's like a dream come true. Mom and i just got off the phone. i still don't believe it! I'm soo thankful right now!!!